I need to write this, I have to write this. I have spent countless months being reminded of things I once forgot. Having my dreams torture me with your presence intertwined in them. My memory returning to me and still, I feel like I have to acknowledge a few things. We are no longer together, no longer lingering in each others hearts or in each others thoughts anymore. At this point we are moving on with other people, other jobs, other stories to be written leaving what was once a storybook endlessly unfolding, to now be left as a dusty book tucked away on a bookshelf; unreachable, unmemorable.
I want you to know that I remember. I remember how electric I felt when I saw you, talked to you. I remember wanting to hold your attention even if it was just for a small moment. Somehow your attention meant more to me than any detailed description of words ever could. I remember wanting to hear every thought, every word come out of your mouth always thought out so thoroughly.
I remember the music, the music we felt at the core of our souls, and how you knew everything I felt within every song that played. I remember the long car rides filled with conversations and other times filled with the blaring resonance of the music that sat with us. You taught me how to comfortably sit in silence. I remember the cigarettes that ended up on our lips as we soaked in each other’s presence, going on drives to unknown cities and somehow I felt even more connected to you, feeling as if I could be the rawest version of myself.
I remember the long talks, the deep talks, the ones that made us feel alive. I remember never wanting to go, hating having to leave, and us being so absolutely terrible at doing so, it always took us over an hour to finally mumble the words “goodbye.” I remember feeling so connected, so understood. I remember every giggle in between soft words and gentle eyes.
I remember the feeling of missing you, missing you feels more familiar now than ever being with you was. I remember all the late adventures filled with spontaneity. I remember the encouraging words spoken when tired eyes were apparent after long days of busyness and chaos. I remember the summertime with you, the moments of pure bliss, the feeling of belonging, and knowing how much I cared for you.
But more importantly, I remember the hurt, the silent cries, the aching for more from you, for more from us. The toxicity that was disguised under every paragraphed love declaration. I remember the talks filled with tornado ammunition; absolute destruction. I remember aching when I knew it wasn’t us, but I couldn’t even fathom the reality of that. I remember feeling left behind, lost, and no longer the fire that you were once warmed by. I remember being so tangled up in you that I forgot to chose me. I remember how bright everything seemed between us from a distance but as you looked closer the brightness was only light reflecting off of shattered pieces that were what once made us, us.
Now all you are is a distant memory of someone that I wish I could turn back into a complete and utter stranger.
Someone who has erased me just as much as I have erased them. I am left wanting to be angry, wanting to be heard — but then again, do I?
Still I wonder, do you remember the way I do?
I’m not so certain of who you are, of what you are, or even what we were. You were a strategic narcissist who knew exactly how to rope me in and entice me in every way possible. I remember the monster that you became the longer that we were together.
But I am here hoping that writing this heals the anger that still resides in me.
I hate myself for these pieces that still linger within me.
And even more so, I hate that it’s because of you.
