Father Dearest -/
You know her all too well. She is everything to him and more & you reach for the stars that you hope she never could reach for herself. She’s out shined you your entire life. And still you’d do anything to thread together a bond that would seem unbreakable from the outside looking in. So, you become the son he always wanted and never got amongst a gaggle of girls; daughters. You throw yourself into every sport you could get your hands on. You want to make him proud, to give him something to look forward to at the end of every long week with you but how do you make such an observation at such a young age? Because it wasn’t hard to see as it unfolded right before your very eyes. The one difference here was that she always needed him. She needed him in every toxic creature and encounter that lurked in her dark, secretive corners of her heart but you didn’t. And somehow this made you weaker, this made you more unable to connect to. Somehow independence was everything they taught me but not what they truly desired. “Did I do something wrong?” How does this question still lure in the back of my head? Why do I feel rejected when I became a strong, independent woman just like how they raised me? I use to envy her, to want to be just like her and now I just feel sorry for her. She’s lost still needing him. Married to someone who has done unforgivable actions and has spoken so condescendingly towards her. But she still needs him. And I still don’t. I just hope that one day I can be free from such a disconnected father because from what I’ve learned faking a connection is by far more devastating than not having one altogether.